Posted On 02/28/2009 20:04:39 by inspiration
A week ago, I was returning home in the middle of the night. It was cold and wet. The streets were empty. I went home in a fast motion. From a distance, I saw a dark figure honked down at the wall of a closed mall, looking very like a homeless person. On principle, I never give money to beggars. I also cannot say that I feel sorry for them or guilty for not giving them money. But in this case something hit me! I was inspired to help him out.
I was returning home from a customer, carrying a bunch of cache in my wallet. The thought in my head was absolutely clear: give him a 200 euro banknote, which was actually quite a part of my royalty I carried with me. I am not rich, and for me it is a considerable amount of money to give away like this. But the thought was very clear and very strong.
I started to experience similarities to a situation of feeling attracted to a girl and not approaching her despite pleasant circumstances and plenty of ideas for a good situational opener. Despite my beliefs about our connectedness, that we are all one, and that doing good to others you are doing good to yourself, and that you are able to receive more by giving more, there was a battle going in my head. I could not believe that I was seriously thinking about giving a homeless person 200 euro! What if he or another person watching me will follow and rob me? I thought about things I could buy for 200 euro. I was also contemplating why I could have such an idea, rationalizing possible motives. May be I wanted to prove myself that I am generous while doubting that, or may be I wanted to prove it to others by telling them this story later. I was thinking about giving 10 or 20 euros instead of 200, but I felt that giving less would defeat the purpose of this experience. Definitely, I did not felt sorry for the person or imagining me in his situation. While thinking all this, I went further, leaving the homeless person several hundred meters behind. But I also knew the battle was not over yet.
I stopped in amazement of the whole situation, the presumably divine origin of the idea, lacking logic, and observing the thought battle going on in my head. I was seriously intending to return. I knew that I might become nervous, thus I prepared the banknote such that I could easily take it out of my wallet. Technically, it would be much easier and safer to deposit it out of my pocket, but I did not want to let it appear like a planned action. The whole thing should appear to the homeless like it is not a big deal for me. I did not want him to be personally thankful to me or to even recognize me, in case we meet again. The shadow of the night was a welcome circumstance. I turned and went back, hoping that he will be gone when I arrive, which would give me a great excuse to keep the money. I decided to keep the story between me and the divine to exclude the possibility that I do it to prove something to others. Today, I was again thinking about this night, and felt an inspiration to share the story anonymously with the world.
When I arrived he was still sitting there. A feeling similar to approach anxiety was rising in me. He was sitting with the nodded head, looking down. I spoke to him, realizing that I could barely move my lips, because of the coldness.
- What are you doing here?
He looked up, wondering about my stupid question.
- I am homeless. (His body language was adding something like: Can’t you see or what?)
- If I give you money, what will you do with it?
- I will buy something to eat and beer.
- Well, no alcohol please.
- I am honest with you: I will buy me beer too.
- How much do you need?
- How much can you give? (Still saying with his body language something like: What do you want from me?)
After this felicitous small talk I pulled my wallet and took the 200 euro note out of it, handing it to him. He looked touched and thanked me by offering me the fist bump, which I accepted. After that I was gone, saying something like “do something meaningful with it”.
I thought about what I could possibly do better. The idea came to my head that if he would have said “thank you”, I would have to reply “do not thank me, thank God” – a saying that sounds ridiculous to an observer do not knowing what was going inside me. I am still astounded that I do not feel bad about giving my money away but am glad having done so.
I believe the main point of this experience was rather dealing with intuition than helping out homeless people. So, I am thankful for having such a strong experience of an inspired thought.
I choose to trust the divine and to let go.
I choose to act on inspiration faithfully.