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socal incongruence

Talking about anything that doesn't fit into other categories of this personal development forum

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socal incongruence

Post by qnn on Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:22 pm

I have lately been thinking about a weird phenomena or a weak side of mine... I d like to hear your opinions...

Have you every been to a private event on a theme that you know shit about It feels very uncomfortable, doesn t it How do you cope with that... the socializing part I mean

Usually I have people around me that are on the same wavelength. They are people who I can have inspiring talks about business, relationships and pretty much everything that's going on this board and much more. I feel very comfortable and understood.

So, lately, I have been trying to be as social as possible and quite often I find myself at some private special events that are all about some specific theme/topic.

I find myself in situations, where people, I am together with, are... um... they just exist somewhere on the other planes of awareness and intelligence (no offense, I just don't know yet how to make it that clear with kind words). They are regular people with regular jobs, working 8-5 etc. They are happy what they have and they don't care about improving themselves... I hope you know what I am talking about...

This is not a real example, but imagine yourself at a neighbors' BBQ party with bunch of sports equipment salesman. And let s say that you know nothing about sports, not a thing. And let s say most of the talk will be about sports or the equipment they are selling... insider jokes and so on.... All this can you make feel very uncomfortable...

Would you:

A. Try to find out more about the sports(equipment)
B. Try to interrupt the group and bring in your own topics
C. Or try to be a sheep and go along with leading people in the group. Laugh at their jokes etc.
D. Have some other way

There is a problem with each option...

A. When I try to find out more about their topic, I find that I get the newbie rejection. People are tired of trying to explain the newbie the basics. Doing homework is not good either because then you look like the guy who is trying too hard and not getting the thing at all. Besides it s not worth of doing deep research about the topic that you re not interested about.
B. If you interrupt the general theme you will most often look like the outsider anyway. I have been trying to do this as smooth as possible (relate to the topic) but it still is not satisfying...
C. It s not in my nature to surrender to other people...

My preference has so far been B as, I am who I am and I don't care what others think about me. I feel, that I am not just as socially savvy yet as I should, and I d like to hear your tips and maybe also other options to improve it... Please elaborate on socal (in)congruence...
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Re: socal incongruence

Post by ubra on Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:34 am

hey qnn

here's my 10 cents.

Being able not only to get along but to have fun with totally different people that have very different interests helps a lot in life. It's a sign of a mature personality, it makes life easier and it opens up new horizons you wouldn't get to experience by yourself and in your known environment.

C. is incongruent. It's what insecure people do when trying to blend in. Feels like crap and usually only leaves an impression of "what whas that guy's name he seemed nice, but a bit boring." - "who do you mean "

B. is what a dominant, but rather close-minded personality will most probably do. If used the way you describe it, as a coping strategy for a weakness, that is, it's very probable that you will come across as an interruption. You won't leave a good impression that way, because people do not like to be interrupted when talking about their passions, and you won't have much fun. Plus, you won't learn something new and will most probably not make many new friends.

A. kind of describes a better attitude. But don't just be interested in the sports-equipment or in the technicalities of the sport. Generally speaking, try to find out why the other people are enthusiastic about what they do, be it sports, a job or whatever. Be curious, ask questions that genuinely interest you and try to understand why the other person likes what they do. Do not judge too much, don't say "that's not for me" right away but try to get in their mindset while staying yourself (don't play roles in order to blend in).

Genuine curiosity for anyone's passions immediately makes you look like a person that's worthwhile to talk to. You will start to understand other people's passions and emotions which will thrive your social skills. Your whole personality will grow, PLUS you will enjoy the interactions with other people significantly more.

Try it and let me know if the advice was useful or not. :)



Reading recommendation: "How to win friends & influence people" by Dale Carnegie. The story with the old lady who told him all her life without him saying a word about himself gives a good impression of how people tend to react to good listeners.
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Re: socal incongruence

Post by real on Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:38 am

Hi qnn,

you may also listen to Larry King's "Larry King - How To Talk To Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere"

This audio book is a perfect match to the challenge you have described. And this is exactly what Larry does on a regular basis: talking to people he does not know, and about topics he has no clue about 8)
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Re: socal incongruence

Post by Alphaman on Wed Jun 17, 2009 10:37 am

Hi , this is my first post at selfmadevip.

I was in my way looking the forums , learning the ropes here and noticed your post.

This kind of social problem isnt new to me ,in fact sometimes i experience it myself . I understand you wholeheartly.

I myself hate football , the fanatism , the obsession , i really hate it . Lots of time and energy wasted in teams of millionaries who dont care at all of you : better doing anything else ,than this (my thoughts).

Of course i respect people who like sports . Myself , like other sports , but as a hobby . Not as a drug and obsession .(ie :talking only of this,getting pasionate only of this . I think you get the point)

Back to the topic ,my personal option is to observe the people at the reunion ,in this case specially females, surely someone there doesnt like the "sports" theme so much and you can chitchat with him/her , just a try to see if other topics get by , and then maybe attract other people and suck them into your own reality .

Of course,sometimes it isnt possible , but its worth doing (not trying) ; and,in other situations , maybe its better to get off the reunion , or better indeed skip it at all if you can . You hate football , you dont want to go with people so addicted to football.

You cant be friend of anyone , but anyone can get sucked into your reality.

Have fun.
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