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Deep Challenges

In this self improvement forum we help our members who search for mentor or go through challenges during their personal development

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Deep Challenges

Post by theunforgiven on Mon Sep 12, 2011 3:53 pm

Hello SMV, I am not a man with great successes at this time, in fact I am in the most difficult time of my life (so far). I realize this is not a "Depression" forum, so I am not here for a shoulder to cry on. (That is all I have found on any forum related to emotional issues). Just some outside input on a very tough situation, stemming from a very bad divorce.

To attempt to keep it as simple a possible here is a chronological list:

-Decent career in wholesale bldg products, music/songwriting as hobby/passion/2nd income
-Marriage/child
-Difficulties in relationship
-Divorce/4-5 yrs of court battles/ex-wife does child concealment-abduction
-During all this juggle work/court/night school
-Ex wife files child support, refuses to work forcing me to pay high child spt rate, and gets away with relocation to another state w/child. (Yes she can)
-Left with over $10k debt from court & travel to child (planning to file bankruptcy)
-Haven't seen child in 3 yrs, after rent & child support little is left to travel. (Loss, Depression, etc)

Through all this My mental state has changed deeply and suffer from extreme "sales burnout" working for a company I would like to detach from but rely on in these difficult financial times for income to pay support, medical coverage for child, and a company car to get to and take care of my ailing father (40 miles away) every week. (One of the reasons I did not relocate to be near my child)

Please understand this is the condensed version, but the bare facts are this: I've been through 10 years of pure hell, I've just turned 50, Don't know what to change towards professionally, extremely tired of kissing customers a$$e$, miss my kid badly, and sometimes.... I just wish I was far away on an island somewhere, all I had to worry about is writing a song or what fish to fry up for dinner.

Any thoughts?
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Re: Deep Challenges

Post by serpient4 on Tue Sep 13, 2011 9:17 pm

Hello

I think it is very brave of you to post online about your problems.

First off I want to say that I might present to you some ideas you might initially refuse or find hard to integrate before they, at the right moment and almost by themselves start to click and fit together. Also you might get offended in case your opinion doesn't match at some place or your ego (which often does not want us to take responsibility for the things that happen to us) might react with anger or all kinds of feelings.
If this happens then again really think about if you are currently getting what you want with the strategy you have.
Be grateful for that strategy you devised and used until now but at the same time be aware that it is not working for you (I am now talking about areas of your life where stuff you dont want to happen keeps reoccuring almost as if it was coming from outside and you had no power at all).

Then make a decision - either you keep doing it and keep getting the same results or you try something new. Everything I write are mere suggestions - I in no way intend to tell you how to live your life or try to force any dogma on you - I only try to distill from my knowledge what has helped me into a form that might be digestible for you.
But be aware that you can fill the cup (if you intend to facilitate change) you must empty it - so really consciously notice your old patterns, thoughts and behaviours as they might try to linger from time to time.

Again - I want to suggest to you to think about how you did things until now and then see if you might want do to them in another way - and thus - get different results. Results that you can really enjoy and be happy about in a profound way.


Also I think that change in your life has already started to happen and your awareness on all of the points you listed shows that your mind has already started working on a solution. I think you already started moving towards shaping your life and your outlook on the "circumstances" in your life in a way that is more satisfying than you used to do whether you have already noticed it or not. The time will come where you notice that you are well on your way and you can be happy and grateful about all those little signs from day to day. Signs of the profound changes taking place in your life. The more you look at those positive signs in everything you do the more of them you will begin to notice now and also later. You can then look back and really enjoy the journey you are on.



Furthermore I dont think you are depressed, maybe you are just not happy with your current outlook on certain things in your life. I for myself learned that putting a label on something tends to engrain it. I am not sure if you want to put energy into "staying depressed". Therefor I think it is best not to use such labels on one self as they are more harmful than helpful. Also when you start labeling and interpreting your circumstances in a different way you will give energy to that new reality for yourself.

Useful interpretations I can think of:

#
You are making some major changes in your life and leaving behind what you dont like anymore - of course this stirs you emotionally. You are in fact leaving a part of yourself behind.

#
You are working on having more joy, fun and satisfaction - when you dont feel positive this is a sign that you are focusing or doing something that is not getting you there. Your body tells you that (be really honest with yourself). Let your anger/frustration etc. go and focus on what you want. Sometimes it can be really hard to think about what you want instead of what you dont want - but it really pays off! You are training your mind every time you focus on something - time to start engraining something more useful that gets you where you want.



Now I will attempt to find the best in the list you posted:

You have a passion for music
you have a child that you love
you have enough money to care for your child and yourself (and maybe even for your ex-wife)
You are only 10.000$ in debt
You have a connection with your father and see him regularily
does it make you feel good to care for him and be there for him?
you have a job and a home (so you are not homeless or really really bad off like some people are) - be grateful for the good things

Now lets move on to what your goals are or could be:


#extremely tired of kissing customers a$$e$
you mean you want to have more fulfilling relationships with your customers (or a different job altogether?)


#Through all this My mental state has changed deeply and suffer from extreme #"sales burnout" working for a company I would like to detach from but rely on in #these difficult financial times for income to pay support, medical coverage for #child, and a company car to get to and take care of my ailing father (40 miles #away) every week. (One of the reasons I did not relocate to be near my child)

You desire to work at a job that does not ruin you. Maybe you want to do somthing you enjoy to make money?

You desire to have sufficient funds to pay support and medical coverage for your child.

Your goal might be to have your own car (or maybe lease a car?) so you are no longer dependant on the job you dont like anymore.



Formulating your views in such a way tells your subconscious mind what you want. As I said consistent focus is everything - if you focus on what you dont want you will tend to see more of it in the future. But if on the other hand you focus on things you cherish, love and are grateful for more and more then you can shift things around almost immediately. I am sure you can experience this yourself if you try the little exercise I have included at the end of my writeup.


#Please understand this is the condensed version, but the bare facts are this: I've #been through 10 years of pure hell, I've just turned 50,

You did not enjoy the last 10 years. You intend to enjoy the coming years from now on!
I think you will find a way when you start changing the way you think, act and feel on all levels. I dont think everything is going to be easy but after living through those last years I am sure you have enough guts and are fed up with current circumstances enough to really take it up a notch.

I wouldnt only try to avoid those things in your life you dont like. I would start setting real goals for yourself. Goals and visions that really get your heart pumping. I think if you really look beneath the discontent or any negative feelings you have about your life at the moment then there you will find a lot of desire and power to really turn things around for you.
xxxxx

Also I think it is very important that you feel good about giving the money to your ex-wife and your child. When you feel negative about it you overload your nervous system with negative stimuli and energy and will reap devastating results.

I think it is time to start gaining a new outlook on a few things. You can start this really small and manually - but the more you do it the more you will notice that this process really takes on a life of its own.


#
Again - my feeling is that you might have to alter the way you think and do things, your perspective on things and how you are feeling overall in order to live in more satisfying and fulfilling ways. I dont think forcing things leads to satisfying results (like when you try to force a sale because you really need it - no worky at all.) When you start changing your thoughts then you change your feelings and your behaviour. Consistent behaviour change is a change of habits and totally shifts your reality. Your results WILL change.

#

Now on to a few questions I have to you:

Do you exercise regularily? (it helps tremendeously with reducing stress in the body)
Do you go out and expose yourself to sunlight or come into contact with fresh air sufficiently?
Do you monitor your nutrition and eat in a "healthy" way that both you enjoy and makes your body feel good?
Do you spend enough time being grateful for what you already have?
Have you tried meditation or something similar?
(this might actually be of big help if you feel burnt out)


If you are serious in making a change happen then I have something that could really be of great help to you. It is the following:
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Re: Deep Challenges

Post by serpient4 on Tue Sep 13, 2011 9:18 pm

GRATITUDE JOURNAL
-------
Thats what I call it.
Buy yourself a little book, like a calender or a noteboot in whatever format you like (lined A5 works best for me). Every evening before you go to bed take that little book and a pen. Sit down and really feel yourself and your body. Look around and notice all those things you have, notice how you feel and that you are still alive and well. Think about your day and what things have happened that you can be grateful for.

Then start writing down everything you are grateful for in that moment. Write down the food you had. Write down that you are feeling good and are now at home and have privacy and serenity in your own home. Write down that you are grateful for your child and that he or she is healthy. Write for example that you are grateful that your ex-wife cares about your child and treats it good (which she hopefully does).

When you sense things where it feels hard to be grateful and accept them these are the points you can work on. Every negative feeling you can dissolve and replace with a positive one in any way you can is a step forward in the righ direction.



The purpose of doing this every day is to change your predominant focus in your life. The more you focus on positive and good things and see the joy and find appreciation for the good things that happen to you the more your reality will change.

Maybe you don't believe it can have an impact right now. But if you keep at it I promise you that you will be immensly astonished by what this can do.

More than a year ago I often felt so depressed and down when night came. I would be taking a little walk before I went to bed and feel like I was in some kind of cage I couldn't break out. I felt powerless and couldn't find joy even in things I thought I did for fun. I couldn't feel fun.

Since I started really taking my thoughts and the things I focus on in my own hands my life has changed in so many ways I didn't think were possible. Overall and in the litle things that happen throughout my day. I just perceive them entirely different than before.
More and more of my life is becoming an intense joy - just because I really commited to dropping some nasty reoccuring thoughts, habits and changes my interpretation of a lot of things and my focus. I have seen results coming from what I write here and that is the reason I tell you about it.

I realized I indeed was caught in some kind of cage, one of my own making. The world never looked the same for me (and I really MEAN this!). Consistently taking control of my mind and habits has proven to be the best thing I have ever done in my life until now.
xxx
xxx



If you feel like I can be of more help to you dont hesitate to contact me. I would be more than glad to help you out. Also I did really enjoy writing this for you and hope that there are some or even a lot of things you can take from it. Also there are some programs and stuff I can recommend if you are interested. I wish you all the best and dont forget - A quitter never wins - and a winner never quits.

Keep your head up,
Ean
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Re: Deep Challenges

Post by theunforgiven on Wed Sep 14, 2011 1:44 am

Ean, I would like to thank you for your input & even more so, that you took the time to read & try to comprehend my situation from a very condensed presentation. I also would like to take a little time to digest what you've written and (maybe) come back with some clarifications, Thanks again for what seems to be some effort on your part.

I will at least answer your questions for now.
-Exercise- I've been working a 2nd job off & on lately-too tired, when I have time I walk or surf fish (vigorous angling). I'm in decent shape for 50.
-Sun & Air- Fishing from pier or shore fills that, but I don't like too much sun, prefer fog sometimes.
-Nutrition- That's a tough one, I eat better than most when I can.(cut out red meat & alcohol years back) but I'm so broke that a week before payday I'm living on canned chili & peanut butter for a week. (Maybe I didn't present how bad my financial/income/child support situation actually is.)
-Gratitude- The first words of my (more than) daily prayer are of thanks & forgiveness. I also have been to counseling (although I had to stop for lack of funds) and making the gratitude list was part of it.
-Meditation-I had some training when I was in Korea studying TaeKwonDo in the service, I don't think I would have made it so far without doing something bad.

You've presented so much and my post was very condensed, when I come back with some clarifications I would like to know your further thoughts.
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Re: Deep Challenges

Post by shadowstrike on Thu Sep 15, 2011 12:30 pm

Hi theunforgiven,

not much I can say, as Serpient4 has done a great job and has listed alot of good advice. The exercise thing,specifically cardio has been instrumental for me and helped me roar out the negative toxic energy of daily life.
A friend of mine has a similar story to yours, he lost everything due to divorce, including his house and was in his 50's, his job as a computer programmer was made redundant. so he decided to do something completely different. He left to china to teach english and has never looked back. infact it's much better for him now, he dates women half his age and the lifestyle is easy and cheap.

I'm sure you will find your paradise like my friend did, the opportunity will show up that will allow you to care for your dad too and still enjoy life's pleasures.
Shoot for the moon... For, even if you miss you'll land among the stars!
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